In a previous article, I wrote that nobody comes into our lives without reason. I have to admit that some people stop in our lives for a more or less short period and leave us with wounds that are difficult to heal.
These people, even though they are no longer part of our lives, keep coming back into our minds, causing us anger and grief over the unfair way they treated us.
Have you ever found yourself in such a situation?
In the next lines, I want to explain to you how to forget who hurt you and why you need to do it.
We use to keep in mind our unpleasant experiences and not let them go because we are afraid that if we forget the pain we experienced, we can relive it again.
In fact, I often hear someone say that the past should not be forgotten because it served as a lesson.
It would be impossible to forget the past, because all our experiences, good or bad, remain stored in our brain.
What we remember, however, are not only the lessons learned but also the pain we suffered, because it’s not easy for us to forget something we associate with an emotion.
And every time we remember our experience, we release negative emotions, which block our energies, make us suffer and do not allow us to move forward.
The main reason why you must forget who caused you harm is not to allow him or her anymore to cause you to harm even now that it’s no longer part of your life.
Imagine you closed up inside a room and keep with you all those people who have misbehaved with you. Would you not feel uncomfortable?
And this happens in your brain. You keep it with memories that lead you to feel anxiety, depression, and anger.
The only way to forget who hurt you is to forgive him or her.
I know it’s not easy at all. Because forgiving someone who hurt you is not the first thing you would do.
The injustices suffered can be of various kinds, and each of them can be more or less serious, but when we experience them, we take everything so personally that we put the barriers and no longer want to hear any reason from the other side.
All, unfortunately, we suffer injustices from others; And if you think about it, all of us, even if unintentionally, we can cause harm to others.
I said “unintentionally,” because, in reality, we are often not aware of the reactions our attitudes can create in others.
But we must also recognize the fact that we can not find affinity with everyone. So nobody forces you to stay in the company of people who make you uncomfortable.
It is critical for you to be in the company of people who favor your self-esteem, who inspire you and respect you.
So forgiving those who hurt you does not mean to make them return in your life as if nothing had happened, but to understand that most likely those persons have behaved in the only way they were able to act at that moment. And then let them go.
Remember that all people do their best to satisfy their basic needs with the awareness, knowledge, skills, and tools they have at the time.
To forgive someone, you have to understand what was going on in their lives when they hurt you, where they came from, and you must know that if those people could have done better, they would have done it. And they probably do not even have any idea of the resentment you feel for them and why.
Forgiving those who hurt you is one of the greatest gifts you can give yourself.
If instead, you choose to keep your resentments, the only person you will hurt will be yourself.
Bitterness is similar to hatred. It makes you experience strong negative emotions that almost paralyze you. They can keep you stuck in the past that no longer exists and do not allow you to move forward.
I state that I don’t believe that hatred exists. In my opinion, the word “hate” was invented to mask the greatest weakness that is “fear.”
We were not created to hate.
Think of the children; they have no idea what hate, resentment, revenge or envy are. But they learn these feelings from adults, which often impose similar feelings on them. And they do it unknowingly.
I regularly see parents telling their children how to behave and encouraging them to reject those who they don’t like. The fear of parents that children may be in danger is so high that they impose their point of view on that of their children, thus creating damage.
We know that we are all compassionate with others, as long as we do not think someone can hurt us.
I bet that if those who hurt you return to admit their mistake and apologize, you would forgive them and no longer feel the negative feelings you are now feeling towards them.
But as this almost never happens, you find yourself ruminating on what has happened.
I experienced a similar situation. One rival, seized the right moments to make me understand that the man I was in love with would be hers, hoping to get him away from me. I could not forgive her attitudes, which in my opinion were full of malice and cunning.
I saw only my point of view. I knew my rival had hurt me and I wanted that woman to pay for it. I was so clouded by jealousy that I did not understand how much I hurt myself.
I didn’t live the present. I was waiting for the moment when the man I was in love with would leave her. But I was too young to understand that he had chosen her and that that was a good reason for letting him go.
I had clung to a love that had only begun for me, and I was not looking at reality.
I did not understand that the best way to win was to let go of everything and enjoy my life.
After four years, when they went to live together, I realized that I was holding onto an illusion. And that I had lost precious time, in which I could focus my energies on pursuing my dreams.
I’m talking about ten years ago, so I was very young, and I was not looking at reality. But whatever the situation that stops you from going forward, steals your energy and occupies your mind, just let it go.
After years I realized that she had acted on the only way she knew. And that probably if I had found myself in her situation, with her level of intelligence, I would have performed in the same way. So, what she did wasn’t meant to hurt me, but only to take what she wanted.
In these last lines, I want to reveal to you a way that will help you to express your emotions and at this point to forget who hurt you. It is not that you will forget about the existence of this person, but at least you won’t think of it anymore and will no longer associate it with any emotion.
I took the following steps from the Jack Canfield book ” The Success Principles,” but what’s more important, I put them in practice, and I know that if you try them out too, they will also work for you.
So, the following steps are all integral to forgiving:
1. Acknowledge your anger and resentment.
Ex.: I am angry that…; I resent…;
2. Acknowledge the hurt and pain it created.
Ex.: I feel hurt that…; I felt sad when…;
3. Acknowledge the fears and self-doubts that it created.
Ex.: I’m afraid that I…; I get so scared of you when…;
4. Acknowledge any part you may have played in letting the behavior or the event occur or letting it continue.
Ex.: I’m sorry that…; I didn’t mean to…;
5. Acknowledge what you were wanting that you didn’t get, and then put yourself in the other person’s shoes and attempt to understand where he or she was coming from at that time, and what needs they were trying to meet – however inelegantly- by their behavior.
Ex.: All I ever want(ed)…; I deserve…;
6. Let go and forgive the person.
Ex.: I forgive you for…; I understand that…;
Based on the points listed above, write down the names of the people who hurt you and how:
(name) … beat me by …
Follow the steps by writing everything on a piece of paper, as if you were writing a letter to the person concerned. If the other person is interested in doing this exercise with you, he or she must, in turn, correspond to you what are his thoughts about you, and then you both read them each other. In the case in which instead there is no more dialogue with the other party, you can throw away the letter after writing it.
I assure you that writing your thoughts will help you clear your mind, clarify, and you’ll feel lighter.
As we have seen, forgetting someone who has hurt you is not so different as to forgive him for what he did to you. If you do not have more emotions to associate with it, it will not return to your mind, or at least it will not hurt you anymore.
In this way, you will have a free heart to enjoy the present and use your energy to improve your life.
Not only that, you know well that what you focus on, you attract it in your life. If you focus on the pain, you will attract other similar situations. So, try to forgive and forget. Only if positive thoughts dominate your mind, you draw positive cases.
I hope I have been exhaustive, but in case you have any doubts or questions, please do not hesitate to write them down in the comments below.
If you think that someone else should read this article, please share, and I will be grateful.